Wheeeee! care to join me in the jacuzzi?
We used to be good friends with this family, or so we thought. Our kids played together, we barbecued together...
There ya go, neighbor!
Care for a side of Prozac with that?
...we had outdoor movie nights, projecting the show on the side of their garage.
Hey, pass me some popcorn before you...
But there was something fermenting in her brain. She tried for a few years to pass herself off as a balanced, normal person but eventually her true personality was bound to come out.
She never was one to spend much time outside. It wasn't unusual to not see her for weeks, even for a couple months. Combined with the fact that the curtains (read: rags) in her house are always drawn I probably should have caught on to her condition right away.
People who always have the curtains drawn and rarely come outside should not be assumed to be perfectly normal, well-balanced, and stable.
Nice curtains. What dumpster do you shop in?
INTERIOR DECORATING 101: Curtains give any room a more sheltered feel.
For a more open, airy room just wait until those tree roots to take out the foundation and that fucking wall collapses
One afternoon I was walking by her house when she was on her front porch. I said hello and she
WENT ABSOLUTELY NUTS BAT-SHIT CRAZY!
She started waving her arms in the air and screamed "NOOOOooo!! GO awaaaay! Don't talk to MEEEEEEeee!!!" and then turned, ran inside and slammed the door. PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR, right? Fortunately I had a camera with me and quickly snapped this photo before she booked it inside...
She wants me
The next day I saw her husband and I asked "What the hell's up with Kookooforcocopuffs?" (That's not her real* name, by the way) He tells me "Well, she's a little mad at you. She hangs onto things for a long time." Now, I had NO IDEA what I did to set her off and frankly, if she wasn't goint to act like a mature adult and come talk to me about it I really didn't give a rat's ass. So I didn't press him for details.
Some weeks later, my wife (who refuses to let me to put her photo on this website for some reason) bumps into KKFCP's (Kookooforcocopuff's) sister in town. The sister tells my wife that KKFCP has a "three strike rule" and I have hit my third strike. She also mentioned that KKFCP had stopped taking her medication* some time ago. Go figure.
That's how things stayed for a few months. She installed shades in her breezeway and hung a sheet on her porch on the side facing my house in an attempt to isolate herself from me as much as possible. Apparently just the mere sight of me is too much for her to handle.
Because, you know, she wants me.
"If I can't see him he doesn't exist"
Sort of takes the breeze out of breezeway
Then, ONE DAY, she decided it was time to let it ALL HANG OUT...
My wife and her mom were out walking London, the Wonder-Mutt (aka dumdog) around the neighborhood and lo and behold, Kookooforcocopuffs is outside sweeping her front porch. As they walk by KKFCP suddenly starts waving her broom in the air and screaming at the unsuspecting dog walkers!
Fortunately they also were carrying a camera on their walk...
Please tell me that is NOT a tampon flying over her head
In her best shithouse-rat-crazy-woman voice she screamed at them
"I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHY I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO LAKWEESHA ANYMORE!!"
Just to keep this short I'll give you the key highlights of what my wife says was about a 10 minute rant.
1. I tried to stab her with a pair of scissors.
2. I blew in her ear with my air compressor and made her go deaf for three days.
3. I tried to drown her kids with a garden hose.
4. I have been peeking in her windows wearing a ski mask.
5. I opened her gate to let her dog out to be run over in the street.
6. I don't recall doing any of these things because I was "about forty beers in at the time..."
7. Everyone else thinks I'm just being funny all the time but she knows the truth, that I am an unpredictable and mentally unstable menace to society and I tried to kill her, her kids, and her dog.
Now, I just want to go on record about that forty beers thing. My personal best was probably 24 beers in one day. That was a long time ago during a drunken weekend up north camping and canoeing with friends. To suggest that I could knock off forty beers in a day and still be conscious is completely absurd.
As for the rest of her accusations, well, this pretty much says it all...
*This is a purely fictional story. Any resemblance to bat-shit crazy persons, living or dead, who do live or have lived next to my house, or any events that have taken place on or in the vicinity of my neighbor's front porch is purely coincidental. Yep. But you probably already knew that because nobody could be as crazy as this (fictional) bitch.